My Path to Jesus

Man's authority

2010-06-30T08:01:00.000-07:00

Matthew 9 begins with Jesus telling the people that the son of man has authority to forgive sins. Does this mean we have authority to forgive EVERYONE'S sins? Or just those who have sinned against us? How cool if we can forgive all sins....

Matthew 9:13 in part says, "... (I do) not come to call the righteous, but sinners." Jesus tells people this when they question why he is dining with sinners. I find that interesting.... He didn't call his followers to dine with Him. He didn't call those full of faith, nor those who already believed in Him. He called sinners. And even though I believe in God and I am full of faith... I am told that I am a sinner. I am told to pray to God and pray to Jesus to forgive my sins here on Earth so that I will be welcomed into the Kingdom of Heaven.

Now I DO this... I talk to God quite often actually and ask Him for guidance and strength. I suppose I should start asking His forgiveness as well.

My bible is a used copy and there is a part highlighted in the passage I read today: Matthew 10: 34-39. This passage talks about how Jesus didn't come to bring peace, but rather to turn families against each other. He says that if we love members of our family more than we love Him, then we are not fit for His blessings.

I would like to think that I love Jesus more than any mortal man... but I just don't know for sure. I think if someone told me to kill my son in the name of Jesus, I couldn't do it. Or to give him up to be sacrificed for Jesus. I can't imagine anyone feeling differently.

I gave up a child to Jesus... but that was not by choice. As first I was pissed. Why me? Why MY child? But as time went on, I came to feel blessed to have been chosen. Chosen to be the mommy of an angel (thus the title of my other blog). But given the choice? I don't think I could do it.

I love Jesus... I'm just not sure I love Him more than anyone else. And that feels OK to me. Perhaps in time that will change.. perhaps I am miscontruing the true meaning of the words... but for now, I'm good with it.

Matthew 7-8

2010-06-29T07:09:00.000-07:00

Enter through the narrow gate and follow the narrow path. The wide gate and broad road lead to destruction. This follows the same meaning as in Matthew 6:19-21 " Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

If we take the narrow path, we won't have space for material things so we won't be able to store up treasures. For too long of a time, I was storing up treasures. I felt that the more I had, the better a person I was. I couldn't get rid of anything. If I saw something I wanted, I bought it... even if I had no idea where I was going to put it. And I made sure everyone knew that I had gotten something new. Boastful. I look back now and think, "What a shame."

The narrow path allows us to focus more on our destination... to focus more on Jesus and His teachings. By taking this challenge, I think Janette and I are following the narrow path.

I was also struck by Matthew 7: 24-27 that talks about "The Wise and Foolish Builders". When Mike and I got married, one of the readings we chose was about building your marriage on a strong foundation. It talked about how a marriage could withstand just about anything if it were built on a solid foundation. Mike's brother read that reading at our wedding. Afterwards, the priest got up to talk and he said that in the number of years that he had been doing weddings (I can't remember now how many years that was... but I think it was over 20) he had never had a couple choose that particular reading. He said couples always chose the happy and "fluffy" verses... but never the verse that has so much meaning. He said when he saw we had chosen that verse, that he was confident that our marriage was going to last and that it was truly a union made in the Lord's name.

Just like a house built on a solid foundation... it weathers the storms. I pray that this is true about my marriage. My mom and dad would have celebrated their 66th wedding anniversary the year he died. Mike's mom and dad would be celebrating their 43rd I believe it is. I am certain those marriages were not without storms... but they withstood. We have big shoes to fill.

I need prayers as well... prayers that I will not judge others. I have such strong opinions, and am not afraid to keep them to myself. It is difficult when listening to others judge to not jump in w/ my own opinions. Lord, help me to not be judgemental.

Let's go and follow the narrow path.

Matthew 5-6

2010-06-28T11:56:00.000-07:00

These two chapters tell a lot of what not to do. The beatitudes and commandments are here.

I think that when I pray, I "babble on like the pagans". The Lord's prayer is so simple, yet it really does cover all of the bases. My church rarely prays the Lord's prayer because it has become so rote for most people. We learned this prayer as a child, and can recite it in the middle of mass chaos without a second thought about it. I think I need to make it my goal to pray in a succinct yet meaningful way. Blake says our dinnertime prayer most of the time and he says the same thing every night, "Dear God, thank you for this food and for this drink. Thank you for us being together for dinner tonight, and thank you for everything else good that happened today. Amen." I think it has become rote to him. It has become rote to me... I typed that w/o even having to stop and think.

I also found the definition of adultery interesting. Although it says if a man looks at a woman... but I'm sure it would go both way. If I look at a man other than my husband with lustful thoughts, then I am committing adultery. I don't think that I do that... sure I look at other men and think how gorgeous they are, but I don't think about sleeping with them. (Well, other than Carter Oosterhouse and Ty Pennington... both of whom Michael said I can sleep with if they will do work on the house in return. LOL!!)

Our world is SO different from the world that Jesus walked in. I wonder how these commandments would be written today? It is not righteous to marry a divorced person... yet there are people married all the time to people who are divorced (it has happened in my own family). Matthew states that marrying a divorced woman is committing adultery.

This is something I would actually like to discuss with my pastor, or someone who knows the Bible much better than I do. Are we to take the commandments as they are written? Or is there freedom to skew them? And if there is freedom... then why aren't ALL of the commandments skewed? Thou shalt not kill.... this has pretty much stayed the same. It is wrong to kill. Although, I guess that is skewed too.... criminals who get the death penatly are killed legally. If you kill someone in self defense, the law doesn't consider it wrong. Of course... those are man's laws. Maybe if Jesus were here today, he'd be having fits for all of the skewing of the commandments.

Maybe if we start living the commandments as they are written, our world would be a better place.

Matthew 3-4

2010-06-27T18:42:00.000-07:00

So Jesus was baptized by John, who didn't think he should be baptizing Jesus. He thought Jesus should be baptizing him... but Jesus explained and John ended up baptizing him. Then God sent Jesus on a journey of temptation with the devil. It didn't appear that resisting those temptations was difficult for Jesus... but maybe it was. Maybe after fasting for 40 days, it looked darn good to turn those stones into bread. He could have easily turned those stones to bread and eaten that bread to satisfy his hunger. But his hunger for his father was far greater.

And then... he healed the sick. This is an area that confuses me. Why did He heal the sick then... but not now? He healed anyone who came to him... but that doesn't happen now. Why is that?

Back to temptation... How often are we tempted by the devil? And do we give in? I shamefully have to admit that I do. I think thoughts that I know are from the devil. I am sure I even speak the devil's words. But I try to recognize when this is happening and stop it in it's tracks. I try to take a step back and say a little prayer asking God for strength in my weak time.

I need to do that more. I need to let the word of God flow from my lips MORE than the words of the devil.

A new challenge

2010-06-26T08:13:00.000-07:00

My friend, Janette, and I were chatting and we were both complaining about how often satan tries to get into our heads and our hearts. We both admitted that we don't read the Bible as often as we should, and that we obviously have TIME to read the Bible since we were sitting on the computer chatting with each other.

So... a new challenge was born. We don't have a name for it... I guess it's just the Christ challenge. We started right then... right when we were talking about it. The plan is that we will read 1-2 chapters a day and then check in w/ each other on Friday each week to discuss our reading. We decided to start in the New Testament with Matthew (since that is the beginning of the NT).

We also pray before reading... for ourself and for each other... that we will understand the words we are reading. That our hearts will be touched. That we will learn from the words and that we will spread the word of God.

My personal challenge is going to be to blog about my reading. So, here we go...

Matthew 1: 1-2.

After reading today, I realize how truly blessed I am to live in a country where I am free to read and share the word of God. A man spoke at my church recently about his ministry in another country. They have printed Bibles for the people of that country... but the Bibles have to be printed in such a way that they don't LOOK like Bibles. People of that country will be killed for owning/ reading a Bible and for speaking the word of God. And even though, the threat of death is there... the people STILL reach out to God and read His word.

I think about Mary and Joseph. How the angel came to them and spoke to them. Although it is not something I can even begin to imagine... an angel coming and talking to me... it must have been SO difficult for Mary and Joseph to believe what they were hearing and to actually DO what the angel told them to do. Yet they did it... without hesitation.

And here I am freely discussing Christ and His word. How blessed I am. I don't have to run and hide from the King Herods of the world. How difficult it must have been for Joseph and Mary to believe those dreams... to believe that they really were seeing an angel...to follow the angel's directions. To TRUST to do what the angel said to do, and when.

I have the freedom... but do I have the TRUST?

Too long.

2010-02-21T14:06:00.000-08:00

Wow... it's been too long since I've blogged anything on this blog. Facebook is keeping me busy and in touch I guess. At least in touch with friends and family. Not so much in touch with God.

I am feeling uneasy again about my relationship with God. Feeling like I need more. I need to do more. I'm not sure where it's going to lead, but I'm being patient.

I have seen/ heard so many stories lately of people with cancer. I don't understand cancer. I don't understand why God allows people to suffer so. Don't get me wrong... I don't want to get cancer to find out about it. I'm just sayin... What do you do when you know you are dying? How do you plan your time? Especially when you are dying such a horrible and painful death. Can you have quality time with your loved ones when you are suffering?

I think I would rather enjoy my family day to day and when I die, let it be quick. Is that selfish of me? I don't want my child to watch me waste away, become incompetent, lose the real me. I don't want my husband to worry about hurting me when he hugs me (although with my RA that's always the case anyway)... or to feel guilty because he has to go to work or do this or that and won't be able to spend the entire day with me. I don't want them wondering if they will find me dead or alive when they get back home.

Perhaps that is selfish of me.

I recently read a blog about a woman who's husband is fighting the cancer battle right now. She says that new meds could buy him some time and that they "need" that time. I wonder who needs the time? Not to be rude or judgemental... I just wonder. Does he need that time? Does he need to extend the fight? Or is it the rest of his family that just aren't ready to let him go?

I don't know. As much as I wish my dad were still alive, I am glad he is not in pain. One of the last times he was in the hospital I was visiting with him. He was very aggitated. When he finally fell asleep he was so peaceful. I don't know if he could hear me... I like to think he could. I told him how much I loved him. How wonderful it was to have him as my daddy. And through my tears, I choked out the words, "It's OK to go you know? When you are ready, Pop. Don't worry about us, we'll make it. You just go whenever you need to."

The movie script would have him dying right then. It didn't happen that way in real life. He lived another couple of months, It wasn't all bad... but he had more bad days than good. *sigh*

My prayer for today is that a cure is found for cancer. That people don't have to watch their loved ones die slow and painful deaths. That I can be patient long enough to hear what God is telling me to do next.

A Reason...

2009-06-15T11:37:00.000-07:00

I read a friend's blog post today and she talks about noticing the blessings in our lives, rather than taking them for granted. About how for many people, it takes a life changing event to make us realize that we are taking those blessings for granted.

After reading her post... Mike and I went to run errands and we had to go to the post office. As I was walking in, I saw the most beautiful thing on the pillar in front of the post office. Most people were walking right by... completely oblivious. I was enthralled by it. A gift from God... right there outside the post office... and how many people weren't even taking the time to admire it?

Luckily I had my camera in the van (another blessing)... so I grabbed it and snapped a few pics.

How sad that so many people completely missed the chance to see God's beauty right before their eyes.

Good friends.

2009-05-25T11:45:00.000-07:00

It sure doesn't seem like it's been SO long since my last post.

I spent this weekend at the home of one of my best friends in the world, Tammy. She and her husband own a good chunk of land and being in their backyard is like camping. They have a huge bonfire pit, quad trails, a sauna and lots of trees. Basically they are surrounded by forest and it's a great place to be.

This weekend was her son's open house. Blake and I went Friday evening and stayed until Sunday evening. We would have stayed until today but I try to support our town's Memorial Day parade that doesn't get much support. But that's another post.

We helped get things set up for the open house and then did some quadding. Saturday was the open house complete with good food, good friends and a bonfire. Blake and I did more quadding.

Tammy and I stayed up sitting by the fire talking until 3:45 AM! YIKES!

Shelley (my other BFF for those who don't know) was thinking about coming, but she ended up not making it up. We missed her.

Weekends like this just strengthen my appreciation for the good friends that I have.

I tried to give Tammy's husband money for gas for the quads since Blake and I did a LOT of riding. But he wouldn't take it. He said we barely used a gallon of gas... I told him I felt like I needed to contribute. He said, "Oh you HAVE contributed."

Nice. :)

My path to Jesus is paved with wonderful friends.

I feel blessed

2009-03-18T21:20:00.000-07:00

I belong to a group at church called "Mom's Heart Ministry". We meet every Wednesday morning. Some weeks we have large group with guest speakers, or special activities. Other weeks we have small group where we get together with a select few from our small group and discuss a book we are all reading (that I had started to blog about and then I lost interest in blogging about it.)

Anyway... this week was a small group week. In our discussions we came to talking about relationships. One of the mom's was talking about how she and a friend started a bible study that has become more of a support group for 4 women, who started out as strangers and have become fast friends. She said that they are most vulnerable together, and others have attempted to join the group but it is too vulnerable for them. She said that the group has become her closest friends.

A couple of the other moms stated that they just don't *have* any best friends. One seemed saddened by this... another seemed OK with it. She has her husband and her family and she doesn't really mind not having a best friend.

I was quiet during most of the group. Partially because I was tired... partially because this is just a difficult time of year for me... partially for a reason better left unsaid. So they asked me my feelings on this subject.

I told them that I am EXTREMELY blessed to have two VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY best friends who would do anything for me. I told them how when my dad died, Tammy called me and asked who was watching my pets and I cried as I told her I hadn't gotten anyone. Her response? "I'm on my way to your house. Don't worry about them."

When I called Shelley to tell her the news, she said, "I will be at your mom and dad's house to stay with Blake so you can go to the funeral home and do whatever you need to do. Don't worry about him."

When we lost Lilly, Tammy and Shelley were here for me. They let me cry. They let me vent. They let me sit and just not talk.

Shelley and I met in college. On a wallyball court. We've known each other just short of 20 years. Can you IMAGINE? TWENTY years! That is a LONG time.

Tammy and I met when we were placed together as teachers in a Head Start classroom. It was the first time either of us had taught Head Start. She had subbed and volunteered... but this time it was "for real". This was 11 years ago. Again... a long time.

I'm not exactly sure when Shelley and Tammy met each other... or when the three of us became such GOOD friends together. But it works so well. We have a BLAST when we are together. We can be serious one second and laughing til we are crying the next.

I am so thankful that they are my friends. I honestly don't know what I have done to deserve them.

How do I thank them? How do I thank someone for giving me 20 or 11 years of their life? For loving me for who I am. For not judging me, even in my worst moments. For holding me up when I can't stand on my own. For loving my family as their own. For being honest with me, even when it wasn't easy. For allowing me to grow. For giving me space when I needed it. For giving me hugs when I needed them. For making me laugh. For letting me cry. For teaching me. For leading me, and for following me. For forgiving my mistakes... even when it hurt them deeply. For laughing with me. For crying with me. For welcoming me into their families. For accepting the decisions I make, even when they don't agree with them. For giving me the freedom to be me.

Words alone could never express how much I appreciate them. I don't think there is ANY way that I can express how much I appreciate them... how much I love them... how empty my life would be without them.

You know how you hear that question, "If you could be stranded on a desert island with one person, who would it be?" I have a VERY difficult time answering that. I NEED Shelley and Tammy. I don't think I could ever choose just ONE person. I want Mike to be there, and Blake, and Shell and Tam.

Is it enough to say that I truly, TRULY feel blessed to have them in my life? That I would not be who I am today if it weren't for Shelley and Tammy being my friends?

If you guys read this (seems this poor little blog is lost in cyber space) please know that I love you dearly and I thank God for you every day.

Thoughts

2009-03-04T17:20:00.001-08:00

There was a guest speaker at church today... for Mom's group. We were told the topic was how to live happily.... using tips from this mom who finally figured it out after 20 years.

Her main point (which she reiterated several times) was that the most important thing you can do is read the Bible every day. She said that you should get to know the word of God so that you will be armed if you ever have to DEFEND the word of God.

I honestly think that the most importnat thing I can do for my child is to spend time with him. If we read the Bible, great. If he learns about God, wonderful. But if he learns that I love him unconditionally and that I think he is an amazing child and I am so SO lucky to have him... then I think THAT is better than reading the Bible.

I talked with another mom afterwards and she said that she doesn't feel she will ever get to the level of understanding God that the speaker is at.

But I think that is OK. I think God meets us right where we are... and I don't think He would chastise us for not being as God fearing as others. I think He loves us unconditionally... just like we love our own children.

I admit, I don't know the Bible well. And there are times I wish I knew it better... but I think that it is more important at this point in my life to know my husband and my son. I feel it is important to spend time as a family... to build those bonds.... to grow in God's love, by sharing our love.

Is there a power of prayer?

2009-02-05T11:54:00.001-08:00

I have read several blogs lately... and heard stories from others... about how powerful prayer is.

A baby born in critical condition.... doctors don't think she'll make it through the night.... is going home from the hospital at 21 days old. Her mom thanks others profusely for all of their prayers.

Another blogger asks for prayers for guidance with a project. The project goes well (it's a big thing.. not just making a diarama or something). She thanks her readers for their prayers.

Someone having difficulty parenting...asking for prayers.

The next having trouble with marriage... asking for prayers.

I go to church and there is an entire binder full of prayer requests... pray for healing... pray for strength... pray for guidance... pray that so-and-so will find Jesus.... pray for more time... pray for the family....

Now, don't get me wrong... I DO pray... and I ask for prayer... and I have believed that prayer works.

But I have been quite contemplative lately (as I normally am this time of the year.. with Pop's and Lilly's angelversaries coming up). And I was thinking about how God has a plan. He knows how our lives are going to end before they even begin. He knows who will die before birth, and who will live to be 87. He knows exactly which steps we will take and what paths we will follow, before WE even know the choices exist.

So if that is the case... if God is all knowing... and if He sees our entire life laid out before him. How would praying change that? If God knew that baby was going to be born in critical condition, fight for her life, and go home happy and healthy at 21 days old before she was even born.... then how did prayer do anything?

I don't think God says, "OK, let's create a problem and see if these folks have enough prayer power to fix it. If they don't then oh well... but if they do then I'll perform a miracle."

I'm sure the Devil has a hand in it too. But, then that confuses me too... because if the Devil caused the problem... God still knew about it before hand.

I believe that the Devil is evil at it's purest. And I believe that God is truly saddened when His children choose to follow the Devil, and make choices for the Devil. And I wonder if God can do something... but chooses not to because we need to learn our own lessons.

But that's a whole different topic, isn't it?

Back to the power of prayer. What do you think? Why is it that sometimes hundreds of people pray for someone to be healed...and they are. Yet other times, hundreds of people pray for healing and the person dies anyway.

I don't think it's a "if you've accepted Jesus as your Savior then prayer works". Because I believe that God loves us just as we are...and right WHERE we are in our journey with Him. And I don't think He picks and chooses which prayers He's going to answer.

I wish more people read this blog... so I could get more responses. I'm really curious what people think about this.

Change is good. Right?

2009-01-18T14:35:00.000-08:00

Today was a bittersweet day for us. For me. Today was the last day our Senior Pastor preached at our Sunday morning service.

He has been called to relocate to a different church. A church that very badly needs a new and wonderful leader. He will be that leader, I am sure of it.

Our history with this church goes back 4 years. We had been searching for a new church. Nothing seemed to fit our needs as a family. Mike and Blake are both Catholic. I was raised Methodist. So we were church shopping, if you will. A friend from work kept telling me we should check out her church.

So finally I said to Mike, "We should go check out J's church this Sunday" He said, "Sure, why not?" As soon as we walked in.. we felt like we were home.

The following Friday, we lost Lilly.

We didn't attend church for several weeks while I healed physically and we all healed emotionally.

We were anxious and nervous about going back after so long. We had nothing to worry about. We were welcomed in with open arms.

The history of this church is that it started out with just under 300 people in a small chapel. It has now grown to almost 1500 people and a new auditorium has been built to house all of us. We came in around the 1000 mark. Pastor Scott has been a huge part of that growth.

He initially turned down the offer to take the job at the other church. But agreed to be a consultant for them as they struggle to grow and change. In the months that he met with them, he began to feel called there by God. He grew excited about the possibilities of that church. It was then that he decided to make that his new church home.

I will tell you... he is an amazing man. He preaches with humor and humility. He preaches with honesty. He tells stories from the bible in ways that you "get it". He relates the oldest tales to our own lives and time.

In the 4 years that we have been attending we have not really been very involved with the church, other than going to worship and going to family faith nights that they host. Our son goes to Vacation Bible School. Last year was the first year Mike volunteered at VBS. I have tried volunteering in kidzone (sunday school)... but it just didn't seem to fit. I even tried in the baby room, but it was too difficult for me.

But every time Pastor Scott saw us... in church or in the community, he addressed us by name! By NAME! Out of over 1000 people that he led..... he knew our names.

I could go on. But I will stop here. And just say that I am sad to see Pastor Scott go. I will miss him deeply. But I pray that his journey will be smooth and that his new church family will welcome him, as he has welcomed so many into this family.

God Bless you Pastor Scott, Angie, Duncan, Connor and Grace.

Past and present

2009-01-13T16:16:00.000-08:00

I was doing my daily blog checks today and saw this post by Jeannie. It is a list of tips for a better life.

Number 22 (Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.) really spoke to me.

If you know me, you know that my father died in 2005 and that my oldest sibling did not come to his funeral. He lived in Michigan. She lives in Arizona. Her reason for not coming was not because it was too far. Not because she couldn't afford it. But because her back "might" hurt and what would she do? (Because you know we don't have doctors in Michigan...let alone any that might know anything about backs).

Colleagues of mine from work drove 2 hours to come to the funeral home. My best friends were there (they all drove 1-3 hours). Shelley took time off from work to spend a couple of days with me and watch Blake so I could be at the funeral home helping with arrangements. Tammy left her family on their own so she could come stay at my house and take care of my animals. Friends from high school came. Tricia (a good friend from HS) and her husband came, asked if we had eaten and when we answered, "No" ordered pizzas and 2 liters to be delivered to the funeral home for us. A friend of my brother's came with meat and cheese trays and rolls. A military friend of Mike's came (and ended up playing taps at the funeral). Another friend of my brother's who worked at the funeral home insisted that HE be the one to drive the family limosine to the cemetery. And then, he gathered up all of the shells from the 21 gun salute and gave them to my brother. I'm sure there are more people who did things for us that I just am not recalling here tonight.

But my sibling... his own daughter... his first born child.... did not come.

The relationship I had in the past with this particular sibling is a very long and complicated story. But I will say that before Pop died, she got re-married and moved to AZ and completely cut herself off from the family. Blake has not seen her since he was about 24 months old. He has no idea who she even is. She was in MI a couple of years ago when Mom had surgery... but she didn't call or come to see me. Mom asked if I was going to drive the 2 hours to see her (the sib) but I told her I was too busy with classes (not a lie), working and studying for my capstone.

I have had the same email address for OVER 10 years now. No excuse. The entire family knows my telephone number and address. I sent letters to everyone in about October asking for a memory of Pop and I put my email, phone, and address on that letter. She didn't respond. No excuse.

Am I bitter? Hell yes. Am I pissed off? Not anymore. Do I forgive her? I don't think I ever could.

So, I am intrigued by the tip "Make peace with your past so that it won't spoil the present." Can I make peace if I cannot forgive?

I don't care that she doesn't keep in touch with the family. When she was married the first time, the only time we saw her was when we went to her house. She doesn't like to admit that she is from a middle class family. She wants to live the high life and she wants the world to think she was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. Whatever. She has been like that my entire life.

But the thing that really gets my knickers in a knot is that she couldn't even attend her OWN FATHER'S funeral! Not like they had an estranged relationship... for pete's sake she lived with them for many years (and told everyone she worked with that THEY lived with HER). If you knew my Pop, you'd know he was a very, VERY laid back and giving person. He would bend over backwards to make sure everyone had what they needed... that everyone was happy. As a matter of fact... 2 of the inlaws in the family said that was their most special memory of Pop...that he always made sure everyone was taken care of.

I am going to ponder this one. Make it a goal for 2009 maybe. Because, quite honestly, I do not dwell on it... but it is a part of my past that is less than peaceful.

Everything else I can live with.

The ugly cloud(?) of grief

2009-01-12T07:24:00.000-08:00

Man grief sucks. Just when you think you are doing ok, this big, black, ugly cloud comes crashing down on you. I don't even know that cloud is a good word. Because it isn't soft and fluffy. It's more like a boulder.... it slams you down and then holds you there for what seems like an eternity.

The pissy part is...that nobody can see the damn boulder of grief. Others don't understand why, 3 years (or 10 or 15...) later, you still have moments where the tears just come out of nowhere and won't stop. They don't understand why a simple event or object can make you sad... a flower, a pregnant woman, a movie, etc.

At church about 2 years after we lost Lilly, some folks did a skit during service (not uncommon in our church). The skit was about a girl who was getting married and moving out of mom and dad's house. Mike and I sat there and bawled through the whole thing. Not because you always cry at weddings. Because we both were realizing that that was something we would never get to do with our daughter. I will never shop for a wedding gown with her, help her choose her flowers, and dresses and food and.... the list goes on and on. And he will never walk her down the aisle. Those opportunities have been lost forever.

So some days... just the thought of leaving the house and seeing a toddler is unbearable. Because I don't have my toddler. And as the days and weeks and months and years pass... I will NEVER have my daughter. And I will always see little girls... teenage girls... young women... ladies... mommies..... and know what I have missed. All the stages that I have to say, "She would have been.... " instead of, "She is...". She would have been 3. Not she IS 3.

And it's not just the loss of a child that causes this boulder to crush you. My friend Terri lost her husband in November 2008. In 2005, they lost their daughter shortly before she was born. They were still working on figuring out how to live again. Then Bryan (whom she calls Bear) was diagnosed with cancer. He fought a good fight. But in the end that damn cancer won.

Ter is now trying to deal with 2 boulders. One from the death of her daughter, and one from the death of her husband.

Each day is a battle. Right now, she is struggling with meal times. Since these were their "together times", she misses Bear indescribely (sp?) at meal times. Along with that is the struggle to find meals for one... after cooking for 2 for so long. And again... little things will make her cry.... a special ingredient or dish that Bear liked.... seeing his empty seat... just *thinking* about cooking his favorite meal.

I'm not sure the point of this long and rambling post. It has kind of gone all over the place... I apologize.

I guess I just hope that someone will read this and will understand a little better... will be a little more sympathetic... will be less quick to judge that mom who is "still crying after all these years". I remember going to a meeting with some co-workers and the discussion in the car was about another co-worker whose dad had died 10 years prior. She took the day (the anniversary of her father's death) off every year and she and her mom and sisters would go shopping and out to eat and to the cemetery. It was their way of coping, and remembering. It just so happened that the day of the meeting, was the anniversary of J's dad's death. One of the women in the car with me made mention of the fact that J wouldn't be there. Another asked why. And when the answer was, "Because of her dad" the reply was, "It's been 10 years, she needs to get over it."

*sigh*

THAT is the attitude I so desperately want to change.

That damn, huge, ugly, heavy, dark, dreary, boulder of grief is not something we can avoid. The person who is grieving will never... I repeat NEVER get over it. We may be able to avoid the boulder now and then. It may even get slightly smaller and not bowl us over quite as frequently.... but it will always ALWAYS be there.

So please, if you know someone who has had a loss....no matter how long ago it was. Be gentle with them. Let them know it is OK to cry (even if it's been 10 years). Hug them. Talk to them. Let them talk. Let them scream. Just BE THERE for them.

And don't be afraid to talk about the person who has died. Use their name if you know it. Ask their name if you don't know it.

Ok... I can't seem to come to a close here, so I will just end it.

Tears

2009-01-09T20:46:00.000-08:00

I just watched a very touching video that a mommy posted on her blog. The video is of her daughter, Audrey, who died very shortly after birth.

As I watched, the tears began to flow. I could feel their pain. I have felt that pain. No parent should ever have to feel that pain.

And a small part of me was feeling jealous. I know... it sounds strange... feeling jealous while watching a video of a family spending the last precious moments with their daughter.

I'm not even sure if jealous is the right word really.

I am sad that I didn't get that with Lilly. I didn't get to meet her.. to hold her... to touch her fingers and toes and nose. To run my hand over her soft hair, or feel her breath on my cheek. I never got to kiss her. I never got to feel her.

But at the same time, I wonder if it was easier this way? If God knew that if I got to feel my baby girl wiggling inside of me...and got to hold her... and kiss her cheek... and feel her breath.... and then had to let her go, if that would have been too much for me? I know that He holds the master plan. And that He knows me better than anyone... including myself.

Maybe He knows I am not strong enough to have endured that. Maybe He knows I wouldn't have let her go.

I recently learned of a song by Beverley Mitchell called "Angel". I have fallen in love with the song. The chorus is, "Have you ever really loved an angel, Once you have you'll never be the same again, Have you ever had to let go of an angel, Say goodbye, let 'em fly, my angel, my best friend."

Perhaps God knows that I had to let my angel go before I got to meet her... but not before I fell in love with her.

I hate pity.

2009-01-07T18:12:00.000-08:00

Tonight I took Blake to swim practice. A dad was chatting with me in the hallway afterwards (while we waited for our kids to get out of the locker rooms). He asked if Blake was our only child. I replied, "He's our only living child." His response was the classic look of shock, look away, look uncomfortable, search for words, say, "I'm sorry" and change the subject.

Why?

I would love for just once someone to ask about Lilly. For someone to not feel sorry for me because I've lost a child.

Dear God,

Please help other people understand that I don't share Lilly's death with them because I want their pity. But because I long for her memory to be kept alive. Because I want people to know that I have a daughter too. They can't see her. But if they would just give it a chance, I'm sure they would feel her Lord... and that they would feel You too. And speaking her name is such a rare and treasured thing.

Please help me to understand why people feel so uncomfortable talking about my baby girl. If she were living, they'd be oohing and aahing all over her, Lord. They'd be smiling as she toddled by and asking how old she is. I need guidance to understand why they feel the way they do, Lord. Give me the words and the wisdom.

Amen.

God's way

2008-11-23T18:34:00.000-08:00

Didja ever notice that when you ask God for something, He doesn't give it to you directly? If you ask to win the lottery, you get an unexpected raise at work. If you ask for healing, He gives you a new doctor.

Well, I have been praying for guidance to be less judgemental and more patient with people. I am a pretty patient person when it comes to my family, friends and students. My biggest issue is with other drivers.

Now I am by NO means the perfect driver. I have found myself doing stupid things behind the wheel and then thanking God that I didn't hit someone or get into an accident. But when I am driving and other people do stupid things it just chaps my heiney!

So, now that I have that prayer out there..... for patience. I have been encountering more and more annoying drivers. IKNOW that this is God's way of teaching me to be more patient. Or, the devil's way of trying to suck me in.

Lately when I have gotten upset by a driver, I have said out loud, "Oh no you don't! You are not sucking me in."

Sometimes it helps.

I try to remember that I don't know their story. You just never know when the idiot who barely stopped at the stop sign before pulling out in front of you, is actually a mommy who just got a call that her child got hurt and is on her way to comfort him. Or a son who just got the call that his father is being taken to the hospital. Or the daughter who got the news that her daddy is already gone. Or the daddy who is lost in thought about the baby girl he and his wife lost.

Please add me to your prayers. Pray for my humility. Pray that I learn to be more patient with other drivers. Pray that I judge less, and remember that everyone has their own story.

Chapter 2: This, Too?

2008-11-04T18:21:00.000-08:00

In this chapter, Nancy Ortberg talks about being grateful for what God has given us. She speaks of the overwhelming feelings we have, and how those feelings are gratitude to God. She gives examples of having a baby, seeing an amazing sight such as the Northern Lights, and watching the sun set on the beach.

She says that everywhere we see goodness, we see God.

My prayer:

Dear God,
Thank you for giving me life. For allowing me to see, hear, taste, touch and smell. For giving me parents who loved me and took care of me, and who raised me to love You. Thank you for all that I have. For Mike, and for Blake. For a church that feels so much like home. Thank you for Lilly, what an honor to know that You chose MY daughter to be with You. Please show her how proud we are. Thank you for making me who I am. Please, continue to mold me. Amen.

Looking for God by Nancy Ortberg

2008-11-02T18:31:00.000-08:00

UPDATE: I put the wrong chapter on this one originally. That's what I get for blogging when I'm tired!

The full title of this book is Looking for God: An unexpected journey through tattoos, tofu & pronouns. I am reading it with my Mom's Heart Ministry small group. It was my intent to blog one chapter per week, as I read the book. However, I didn't get the blog up and rolling as quickly as I had planned, so I will post a chapter per day to get caught up.

Chapter 1: The Problem with Quiet Time

In this chapter, Nancy Ortberg talks about growing up learning that setting aside quiet time every day to spend in prayer with God is vitally important. She speaks of the struggles she had when her life became more and more complex and quiet time seemed harder and harder to find. Then she realized that you don't have to MAKE quiet time, you just have to acknowledge it. When you are at the park watching your kids play... quiet time. When you are driving.. quiet time. She says it is in the little things we see day to day... the things that make our "hearts swell with gratitude" that we are seeing God's work.

My prayer after reading this chapter:

Dear God,
I have always felt closer to you when I am outside. Breathing in Your breath... seeing the amazing beauty You have laid before me. I can feel Your arm across my shoulder and Your love in my heart and soul. Of course, you already know all of that. Amen.

I am making a concious effort to notice God's work in my life. To be thankful for what I have. To not dwell on what I don't have, or what I want.

The beginning

2008-11-02T18:04:00.000-08:00

I thought it best to start with a little background.

I have always believed in God. I was raised Methodist and I can remember going to Sunday School at our church. I don't remember learning anything there. But I remember going. I don't think we went every Sunday. I don't ever remember my dad going to church with us... just me and my Mom.

I went to Catholic junior high and high school. I gained some opinions about the Catholic faith while I was there. I won't share those here.

In college, I decided that going to church was merely to prove to others that you believe in God. I felt, and still do, that faith is a personal relationship between oneself and the Lord. I found that I felt closer to God in places other than church. It was many years before I went to church again.

My first year teaching, I taught in a Catholic school. We went to mass once a week. I taught Kindergarten and preschool there. The mass wasn't altered to the level of the students. I felt badly for them, having to sit there and listen to something they couldn't possibly understand. I wasn't allowed to teach religion, because I am not Catholic, so I wasn't able to discuss the message with them.

Mike and I were married and soon moved to another city. We found out 9 months later that we were going to be parents. I had a strong desire to find a church. I was surprised by this feeling... but we went with it. We began attending a Catholic church in the town we lived in (because Mike is Catholic). While I was pregnant, it wasn't too bad. Although I never felt like I belonged there. After Blake was born it was even worse. I found that if I went to the cry room, I wasn't able to hear the sermon because the other parents in the cry room were discussing events of the week or upcoming plans, and the children in the cry room were doing homework or running around. We continued going to this church sporadically until we moved back to the town we live in now. We "church hopped" around here quite a bit. Mike joined the military and was often out of town so that left me and my 2 year old, boisterous boy to go to church together. I rarely got anything from the sermon because I was so busy trying to keep him entertained and quiet.

I pretty much quit going to church. And continually felt guilty for it.

Then a friend at work invited us to attend her church. She kept telling me how wonderful the church is and how much we would love it.

I finally told Mike that I thought we should give it a try. He agreed. We went. We fell in love. The church felt like home to us. We felt welcome the moment we walked in, even though nobody came running up to us thanking us for coming. The church is huge (over 1500 members) and growing more and more.

That first Sunday had us hooked. But tragedy struck our lives in the form of an ectopic pregnancy the following Friday. I had to have emergency surgery, which ended up being more invasive than they thought it would need to be. I was off work for the rest of the year (I'm a teacher) and was told I would need at least 6 weeks to physically recover. We didn't attend church during that time.

When we did finally go back, we felt even more at home. They have a fabulous program for children, so we were able to drop Blake off in his classroom and then attend worship ourselves. Blake fell in love with the church as quickly as we did. At 6 years old, if we went out of town he would ask, "Will we be home in time for church?" He is now 8 and still loves going to church. He has learned so much...much more than we could ever teach him at home.

That pretty much brings us up to date. If you've made it this far... thank you for reading!!

I purposely chose a very plain palatte for this blog. I want the focus to be on my journey with Christ, and not on some artistic background.