I just watched a very touching video that a mommy posted on her blog. The video is of her daughter, Audrey, who died very shortly after birth.
As I watched, the tears began to flow. I could feel their pain. I have felt that pain. No parent should ever have to feel that pain.
And a small part of me was feeling jealous. I know... it sounds strange... feeling jealous while watching a video of a family spending the last precious moments with their daughter.
I'm not even sure if jealous is the right word really.
I am sad that I didn't get that with Lilly. I didn't get to meet her.. to hold her... to touch her fingers and toes and nose. To run my hand over her soft hair, or feel her breath on my cheek. I never got to kiss her. I never got to feel her.
But at the same time, I wonder if it was easier this way? If God knew that if I got to feel my baby girl wiggling inside of me...and got to hold her... and kiss her cheek... and feel her breath.... and then had to let her go, if that would have been too much for me? I know that He holds the master plan. And that He knows me better than anyone... including myself.
Maybe He knows I am not strong enough to have endured that. Maybe He knows I wouldn't have let her go.
I recently learned of a song by Beverley Mitchell called "Angel". I have fallen in love with the song. The chorus is, "Have you ever really loved an angel, Once you have you'll never be the same again, Have you ever had to let go of an angel, Say goodbye, let 'em fly, my angel, my best friend."
Perhaps God knows that I had to let my angel go before I got to meet her... but not before I fell in love with her.
1 comment:
I don't think there is an easier way.
For anyone.
Is it easier for you to have not seen Lilly? no, because you have always wondered what she would look like, how she felt, you never got any photos of her, etc.
Is it better for me to have seen my daughter? No, because my daughter was not alive when I saw her, I only had her for a short period of time.
Is it better for someone who has had a child live for a week then die? No, because you know what? While you and I may wish we had even that amount of time with our girls, they also did not get "enough time"
So I don't think there will ever be enough time.
My MIL had her son for nearly 38 years, that wasn't enough time either.
Easier, no. harder, no. a loss is a loss is a loss.... you would grieve no matter how much time you had, or how little time you had. It is never enough.
((hugs))
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