Past and present

I was doing my daily blog checks today and saw this post by Jeannie. It is a list of tips for a better life.

Number 22 (Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.) really spoke to me.

If you know me, you know that my father died in 2005 and that my oldest sibling did not come to his funeral. He lived in Michigan. She lives in Arizona. Her reason for not coming was not because it was too far. Not because she couldn't afford it. But because her back "might" hurt and what would she do? (Because you know we don't have doctors in Michigan...let alone any that might know anything about backs).

Colleagues of mine from work drove 2 hours to come to the funeral home. My best friends were there (they all drove 1-3 hours). Shelley took time off from work to spend a couple of days with me and watch Blake so I could be at the funeral home helping with arrangements. Tammy left her family on their own so she could come stay at my house and take care of my animals. Friends from high school came. Tricia (a good friend from HS) and her husband came, asked if we had eaten and when we answered, "No" ordered pizzas and 2 liters to be delivered to the funeral home for us. A friend of my brother's came with meat and cheese trays and rolls. A military friend of Mike's came (and ended up playing taps at the funeral). Another friend of my brother's who worked at the funeral home insisted that HE be the one to drive the family limosine to the cemetery. And then, he gathered up all of the shells from the 21 gun salute and gave them to my brother. I'm sure there are more people who did things for us that I just am not recalling here tonight.

But my sibling... his own daughter... his first born child.... did not come.

The relationship I had in the past with this particular sibling is a very long and complicated story. But I will say that before Pop died, she got re-married and moved to AZ and completely cut herself off from the family. Blake has not seen her since he was about 24 months old. He has no idea who she even is. She was in MI a couple of years ago when Mom had surgery... but she didn't call or come to see me. Mom asked if I was going to drive the 2 hours to see her (the sib) but I told her I was too busy with classes (not a lie), working and studying for my capstone.

I have had the same email address for OVER 10 years now. No excuse. The entire family knows my telephone number and address. I sent letters to everyone in about October asking for a memory of Pop and I put my email, phone, and address on that letter. She didn't respond. No excuse.

Am I bitter? Hell yes. Am I pissed off? Not anymore. Do I forgive her? I don't think I ever could.

So, I am intrigued by the tip "Make peace with your past so that it won't spoil the present." Can I make peace if I cannot forgive?

I don't care that she doesn't keep in touch with the family. When she was married the first time, the only time we saw her was when we went to her house. She doesn't like to admit that she is from a middle class family. She wants to live the high life and she wants the world to think she was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. Whatever. She has been like that my entire life.

But the thing that really gets my knickers in a knot is that she couldn't even attend her OWN FATHER'S funeral! Not like they had an estranged relationship... for pete's sake she lived with them for many years (and told everyone she worked with that THEY lived with HER). If you knew my Pop, you'd know he was a very, VERY laid back and giving person. He would bend over backwards to make sure everyone had what they needed... that everyone was happy. As a matter of fact... 2 of the inlaws in the family said that was their most special memory of Pop...that he always made sure everyone was taken care of.

I am going to ponder this one. Make it a goal for 2009 maybe. Because, quite honestly, I do not dwell on it... but it is a part of my past that is less than peaceful.

Everything else I can live with.