Too long.

Wow... it's been too long since I've blogged anything on this blog. Facebook is keeping me busy and in touch I guess. At least in touch with friends and family. Not so much in touch with God.

I am feeling uneasy again about my relationship with God. Feeling like I need more. I need to do more. I'm not sure where it's going to lead, but I'm being patient.

I have seen/ heard so many stories lately of people with cancer. I don't understand cancer. I don't understand why God allows people to suffer so. Don't get me wrong... I don't want to get cancer to find out about it. I'm just sayin... What do you do when you know you are dying? How do you plan your time? Especially when you are dying such a horrible and painful death. Can you have quality time with your loved ones when you are suffering?

I think I would rather enjoy my family day to day and when I die, let it be quick. Is that selfish of me? I don't want my child to watch me waste away, become incompetent, lose the real me. I don't want my husband to worry about hurting me when he hugs me (although with my RA that's always the case anyway)... or to feel guilty because he has to go to work or do this or that and won't be able to spend the entire day with me. I don't want them wondering if they will find me dead or alive when they get back home.

Perhaps that is selfish of me.

I recently read a blog about a woman who's husband is fighting the cancer battle right now. She says that new meds could buy him some time and that they "need" that time. I wonder who needs the time? Not to be rude or judgemental... I just wonder. Does he need that time? Does he need to extend the fight? Or is it the rest of his family that just aren't ready to let him go?

I don't know. As much as I wish my dad were still alive, I am glad he is not in pain. One of the last times he was in the hospital I was visiting with him. He was very aggitated. When he finally fell asleep he was so peaceful. I don't know if he could hear me... I like to think he could. I told him how much I loved him. How wonderful it was to have him as my daddy. And through my tears, I choked out the words, "It's OK to go you know? When you are ready, Pop. Don't worry about us, we'll make it. You just go whenever you need to."

The movie script would have him dying right then. It didn't happen that way in real life. He lived another couple of months, It wasn't all bad... but he had more bad days than good. *sigh*

My prayer for today is that a cure is found for cancer. That people don't have to watch their loved ones die slow and painful deaths. That I can be patient long enough to hear what God is telling me to do next.